Sunday, November 22, 2009
The Real Numbers
Even though breast cancer is expected to account for nearly 32 percent of all new cancer cases among women, and just over 668,000 women are diagnosed with some form of cancer each year, long-term survival rates for breast cancer are continuing an upward trend. Some 88 percent of white women and 74 percent of African American women will be able to say they are "former breast cancer patients." Lung cancer, not breast cancer, is the leading cause of death among women. Heart disease, not breast cancer, is the leading cause of death among women.
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We all know the statistics; we all know the numbers. More women die of heart disease than breast cancer. But, no disease strikes a dagger into the soul of a woman like breast cancer.
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed with BC in April 2001. It definitely was like being stabbed with a dagger. I thought my life was over. I was blind-sided because I was told by a doctor, while breast feeding 30 years before, that I would not have to worry about BC because I had breast fed my children. Suddenly, I felt deceived and lied to. However, the truth was, breast cancer research had come a long ways since that doctor told me, what is now, a "wives' tale". But even when I was diagnosed, only 8 years ago, I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I had cancer and had no other breast cancer in my family history. I had cancer in my family history, but no record, written or by mouth, of having this particular killer in my family.If there was no history, then why did I have it? How could this be?
ReplyDeleteBut there I was, diagnosed,and I began to cry when the DR looked at my sonogram and told me that yes, it was cancer and would need to come out. I had never had any kind of surgery and this was just devastating. I thought I was facing the end of my life.
Then the Dr read my mind and said, "It doesnt mean you are going to die". Having him say it, just made me histerical. I couldnt believe this was happening to me. I had no control over this disease, it was already invading my body and I could do nothing about it.
Then the thought of surgery was one of my biggest fears, an unknown, I had no experience and I had no control, and I would have to trust the drs. I thought if the cancer doesnt kill me, the surgery probably will. Depression set in and I withdrew into myself. I could not see how I could fight this and win. At this time, I had no future, only fear. No amount of faith and love could reach me. I was devastated...(to be continued)
Cont'd from Nov. 28, 2009
ReplyDeleteAs the days came and went, I was struggling to deal with this in a way that I could feel normal. I felt very UN normal. My faith in my Creator had always been strong. I was in the best health and fitness I had EVER been in my whole life; working out, walking 4 miles a day, teaching arobics,and at my ideal weight. So, HOW?
I kept waiting for a sign to tell me how to deal with this.
The first step was going to Chemo Class. WHAT? Are you serious? ME? I swore years before that I would never do chemo, if the reason to do so ever came to be, (which I never believed it would) And NOW, I was going to chemo class!
At the class, I cried all the way through it. I could only think that if the cancer didnt kill me, the chemo would.
The chemo nurse was so nice, and so supportive and understanding. But I kept thinking, she didnt have to do this, so how could she really know how I feel? I got thru the class with all the instructions on how to get through it: no caffeine, lots of water, it would take hours to infuse, so bring something to read, or do, they have treats and juices for the patients, there would be others doing the same thing, I would probably get sick, and lose my hair.
Ya, just like a spa,, huh? Nothing soothed me. I knew I could never make it through such a horrible process. Not me, I was not supposed to be here! I was special, and this had to be a mistake. And yet, here I was, in Chemo Class.
At home, I began to think of all the people I knew who had Breast Cancer. I wondered how they made it thru, and I thought they were so lucky to be thru it and surviving. I just couldnt see how that could be me.
I turned to the TV for solace. I thought I could escape my thoughts and have some peace, do something normal
. I was watching Oprah, not paying a lot of attention, the words on the show danced through my thoughts with little congruence, I could not focus on anything. Then, suddenly, clear as a bell, I heard,
"You have to be quiet and listen and you will find a way."
I looked up and realized they were talking to me. I was amazed! Then I remembered my meditation, and I knew it was true; I had not meditated since I was diagnosed. I had been wallering in self pity and fear. I had not been listening to the answers that had always been there for me, thru faith. So, my angels had to revert to electronics, in order to reach me and help me focus.
As crazy as it may sound, to some, the phone rang and changed my life.
(cont'd from Nov.29 2009 12:42PM)
ReplyDeleteI answered the phone and the caller was a person I had met briefly before.
When I met her before, I judged her to be a snob with a perfect life and perfect friends who all thought they were better than me. So, I never talked to her and she never talked to me.
Months after I had met her, I would see her walking her dog around town and she had a bald head. I was told that she had Breast Cancer. I could not understand how she could have BC and be walking around like everything was just fine; waving her flag for everyone to see. I resented her for being so perfect.
And yet, the phone had rung, and it was her.
To my surprise, she was volunteering for the American Cancer Society and wanted to come see me and see, as a survivor herself, if she could answer any questions and she had some information to give me.
I told her that was very nice, but I would call her if I needed any help.
I went back to my program, and my depression, and my thoughts scattered thru my head again. Suddenly the words came into focus."sometimes the answer comes in ways we dont expect".
I remembered many times when I had asked for help and got answers that did not fit into the way I wanted to be answered. I realized I was expecting a nice little boat to come with my name on it, to rescue me. Instead, I had been offered a limb and I had tossed it back into the raging river. I found her number and called her back. I invited her to my home and thanked her for calling.
She came and sat down with me and told me her story; how she had gone thru chemo and her friends had been there with her each time, lighting a candle and praying in support.She told me how she could not afford radiation that was prescribed for her. But with faith and friends, she was a survivor. I asked about alternative medicines. She believed in holistic ways, but she loved a good steak and could not see herself living the rest of her life practicing the holistic way. Here before me stood a beautiful woman and survivor, sharing herself to help others with the same disease, to survive. When she left, I cried to think of my selfish judegement of another human being. I could finally see the gifts I had been given in my life. I was the healthiest I had ever been, I had a loving husband and family
who would be there for me, I had faith, sometimes faultering, but I was still blessed to be able to recognize help in its many forms. I had doctors and nurses who cared enough to give me a chemo class so I would know what to expect; so that I could prepare myself. My doctors gave me the truth to deal with, not a candy covered promise, I needed it that way. I finally knew that reality is what it is, and I needed to be real! I needed to survive! I needed a survivor to help me see the possibilities, and that I did have choices, and I did have the tools to deal with this. Finally, I realized, I am so blessed to be a survivor!
(cont'd fom Nov.29,2009 1:42PM)
ReplyDeleteOn my first day of chemo, I arrived, dressed in pink, wearing my BC hat, bearing the quote "Cancer Sucks", given to me by a very good friend. I had a bag full of stuff to do, including a medicine wheel made of spirit fetishes, my green tea, a journal, and a book that was also a gift, "Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul". They wouldnt let me light a candle, so I sat down in my chemo chair and spread all my things around me and meditated and connected to my protective Creator. I chose a chair where I could greet others who came in for their treatments, and I smiled at anyone who came in. Very quickly, I was talking to the other patients and hearing their stories and sharing my own. I was delighted to learn how therapeutic it was.
The chemo nurse, who had taught my class, was amazed and delighted with me, as well. She could not believe the turn-around in me. She had expected a snivelling depressed woman and she found a survivor, full of faith and compassion.
I do want to say, I could not have found that survivor in myself, had I not gone to the depths of despair. The despair is a step in the process of accepting reality. It comes to each survivor in its own way. There is no written process that works for everyone, just know, that if you are dealing with these emotions, they ARE part of the process. Make sure you are open when the tree limb comes, instead of the nice little boat! (more later)